I’m ranty this week…you should know that going in. Might be hormones wreaking havoc, might be finals coming up and my stress level going through the roof, or it might be the fact that one of God’s children crapped on one of my children recently in a way that only a nasty teenage girl could be bold enough to pull off with a level of expertise most of us will never achieve, I don’t know. But now, you have been warned.
So here’s what’s on my mind, and it affects all of us.
All this language policing does nothing to fix anything.
Don’t get me wrong; we have big problems in this country. They just aren’t problems that can be fixed at a macro level. Trying to police everyone into being nice is silly…yes, I called them all silly. The message: You cannot police people’s hearts!
We need to fix things on the micro level, with a focus on individuals. By individuals, I mean us, each one of us individually. Because no one can fix what’s inside of another person. They need to fix that for themselves. You need to fix that for YOURSELF!
Let me explain…
There is no one, NO ONE, who does not encounter someone that offends them, wrongs them, or treats them poorly at some point in their life. It’s part of the gig called life.
You will deal with an unfriendly sales clerk. A customer service agent will treat you poorly at some point. Someone will discriminate against you for any number of reasons…maybe they don’t like how you look, or how you believe, or how you smell, or how you spell your name, and yes, maybe even your race, religion, or gender. Someone will cut you off while you’re driving or refuse to let you in the lane you need. Someone will probably break up with you for someone else they like more than they like you. Your children will treat you disrespectfully at least once or a million times. Your partner is going to be snarky with you. At least half of the population is going to disagree with you politically. Your boss is going to have a bad day. Someone at work is not going to appreciate you. I could go on…and on…and on…because the list is ENDLESS. People can be jerks. That’s life.
Here’s where we run into the problem.
Somewhere along the line, we decided that it is acceptable, no, encouraged, to treat those people with the same nastiness, if not worse, than they gave us. We changed from a “Do unto others” society into an “eye for an eye” society.
I could go into a whole sermon here on the merits of being a “good Christian” whatever that means, but this goes beyond any religion. This about being a decent human being, regardless of your beliefs.
It is time to STOP and THINK about how we treat other people.
You may be wholly justified in your feelings of betrayal, hurt, rejection, and indignance. You are NOT justified in striking back at people with that mean mouth you have been perfecting since birth.
There are a few basic rules of life that we teach children. No hitting, share, use kind words, don’t touch things that don’t belong to you.
We aren’t children anymore so here it is on an adult level.
No violence. Speak kindly. Be gracious with others. Don’t take things that aren’t yours. These are the rules for a peaceful life.
I can hear it already…
“I do all those things, but people around me don’t! I’m not going to accept that from other people!!!”
Listen friend, you cannot control what other people do. You CANNOT control what other people do! You can only control what you do; you are only responsible for what you do. Let me clarify by saying, in order to do this, you may need to reevaluate who you allow in your world. But, yes, you CAN avoid personal wars in your life by governing your own behavior.
Now let me tell you why this is SO important.
You DO NOT know what anyone else is going through in their life. You DO NOT! No matter how well you know them, you do not know what their struggles are because you do not know what is in someone else’s heart and mind. You don’t know their private thoughts, or what their most personal and intimate struggles are. Even if you are married to that person for your entire adult life and know them better than any other person on earth knows them, you don’t know everything. If you are sitting there telling me how wrong I am, that’s ok. My life experience and a 19-year marriage that ended with my spouse’s suicide even though neither his words nor behavior ever suggested he struggled with suicidal ideation in the 26 years that I knew him, tells me otherwise. So yes, I believe you cannot know how your “eye for an eye” reaction is going to affect another person or how deeply they will feel your words and actions.
So please, be gentle. Rid yourself of the toxic people in your life, and then treat the rest the way you want to be treated, with grace and kindness.
The ONE thing we all share as human beings is our desire to be loved and accepted. Criticism, harsh words, rejection, and vicious attacks with the intent to cause pain will not fix the broken pieces inside of you or anyone else, and they only do more harm. A kind word or action, on the other hand, can literally save someone’s life and heal wounds…yours and others.
So, I urge you friends, if you can’t be kind, walk away or bite your tongue next time someone pushes those buttons. Or, use one of my favorites, just tell them they’re pretty.
When faced with the opportunity to get back at someone you feel has wronged you, STOP. Just stop! Revenge has NEVER solved a problem, not a single one. It just creates more problems and has a multitude of unintended consequences, none that are good.
Instead, be kind. Or walk away with grace, and your head held high.
If you doubt what I’m saying, put it to the test. When you are faced with someone who is aggravating the ever-loving icing off your beautifully frosted cake of life, be kind. See what happens…like some creepy social experiment that no one knows they are a part of but you.
For instance, the next time your teenage daughter snarls, “after my show”, when asked for the 9 trillionth time that afternoon to take out the trash, then rolls her eyes when you attempt to clarify whether she was talking about the end of an episode or the whole series, fight the nearly irresistible urge to take a pair of scissors to the tv power cord…seriously, girl, that sucker was expensive, and it is the best TV in the house for watching Game of Thrones…you NEED it. Instead, just smile and say, “aww, you’re so pretty” and see if that changes the mood. You might even get the tiniest, cheekiest little smile ever seen because every girl wants to hear that she’s pretty! Then move on to what you needed her to do in the first place. No, it’s not perfect. NOTHING in life is ever perfect (see my previous posts for evidence of this), but it changes things, and at least she will feel pretty while she loathes your presence and takes out the trash. Try it!
Then, when you finally get that date night you have been longing for and a grumpy waitress craps on your happiness by grimacing at you while she takes your order, don’t let that frown steal your joy! Smile at her and channel a 7 am Monday morning Starbucks barista. BTW, it is completely unnatural to be that chipper that early in the morning…like completely unnatural. Stepford wives unnatural. Unnatural in a way that tempts me to drop an anonymous tip to the FBI to investigate what’s really going on in that place so early in the morning. Just saying. But they seem happy, so try it, and see if her tone doesn’t change. See if offering her grace and kindness makes the dining experience better, not only for you but every other customer she serves during her shift…because that’s what happens. Kindness is more contagious than a snot-nosed two-year-old in a ball pit.
Tomorrow morning, when you find yourself once again in an aggregate gathering of commuters inching down the highway, and that one guy who missed his alarm comes flying down the road, cutting in and out of traffic, attempting to make his 40 minute commute in under 7 minutes, you may feel the urge to offer him a one finger salute for his efforts while laying on your horn to make sure he receives it. Don’t. Instead, turn that bird into a wave and wish him a blessed day, he clearly needs it. Restraint will not bring you any gratification, and he probably won’t notice. But it will prevent a burst of road rage which could lead to an accident and mess up everyone’s commute, make everyone late, and ruin a lot of people’s day, including yours. As a morning commuter, let me take a moment to offer my thanks in advance on behalf of all commuters who just want to get to work on time, in one piece, and without a lot of drama.
I could go on, I’m full of quippy scenarios, but I have finals to study for. Priorities. So, here’s the bottom line. Kindness costs you NOTHING, but you have EVERYTHING to gain by offering it to others. The best part of all this kindness business is that when your kids see you modeling kindness, guess what? They will learn to be kind and the next thing you know, generations have benefited from your CHOICE to be kind, without the government or the PC police being involved in trying to macro govern our hearts. And that my friend, is how you change the world. I feel like I need a little Olan Rogers clap right here with a big smile because that’s the end of my story, I hope you enjoyed it.
Now, go forth wonder women superheroes that you are, be kind, and enjoy the fruits of a peaceful life.
P.S. If you don’t know who Olan Rogers is, exit your cave dwelling and go watch him on YouTube, but use the good TV, he’s that funny.