A family is like a body. When a family loses a loved one, it is as if they have lost one of their limbs.
~Quote from Grief Poems
Grieving can be very challenging to navigate, even with professional support. But what do you do when your children are grieving at the same time?
Today I am going to share something I have avoided for the past few years. Parenting my children through the loss of their father.
I have two friends who lost their spouses this summer and as much as my heart goes out to both of them, it’s their children that I am most concerned for.
Parenting children through grief is an extraordinary challenge, and it is something many people go through without any guidance or help to navigate these very turbulent times.
With that in mind, I want to share some of the big mistakes I made, how I corrected them, some things that I learned from parenting my three children through grief for the last four years, and things that can help you if you are currently taking this difficult walk with your own children.
If you know someone who is currently in this situation, please share this information with them. You never know what will be of help to them and they may not be in a place emotionally where they can reach out for help.
Talk about their loved one
I didn’t talk about Jason for a very long time after he died.
I had a lot of negative emotions and anger about what had happened, and I didn’t want to taint my children’s memories of their father or cause them further pain by being honest with them about how I was feeling. So I remained silent.
In my effort to spare my children pain, I ended up causing them more pain by creating a wall between us. My silence about their dad made them feel that they could talk to me about their dad without hurting me…so they suffered alone.
Nine months after Jason’s death we started family therapy at a place called Judy’s House that provides support for families that have suffered the loss of an immediate family member here in Denver.
I didn’t know what to expect from group therapy, but I knew we needed help because we were all stuck…grieving alone, unable to talk to each other about the thing we all needed to talk about, and the problems were spiraling out of control as we stumbled about in the darkness of grief.
Sitting in that room on the very first night at Judy’s House, I didn’t feel alone for the first time in nine months. It was the beginning of the healing and the start of a new journey as a family.
One of the things I learned was how important it is to talk about a child’s loved one, use their name, and make an effort to observe their birthday and special days.
This helps children maintain connections to the person they loved and helps them to feel that their loved one’s life mattered, even though they are now gone.
These simple acts bring comfort and ease the pain they are feeling from the loss.
Be honest about how they died
In our effort to make death easy to understand for children, we can be tempted to explain it with something a child can understand, like sleeping, or going on a trip.
Telling a child their loved one went to sleep and isn’t going to wake up can make children afraid to fall asleep, and cause them anxiety anytime someone they love is asleep, leaving them concerned that the person will not wake up again.
Letting a child believe the person went to heaven as if they boarded a plane and went on a trip is very ambiguous and can create the unrealistic expectation that the person might come back, or create fear about heaven as a place that takes away the people we love.
Honest explanations will help avoid these situations.
Young children have a very difficult time understanding the concept of death.
You need to explain how the person died, what death means, and if you believe in an afterlife, explain what happens to their soul when it leaves their body.
My kid all knew that their dad took his own life. But I never told them how, and they never asked. After we started going to Judy’s House, I realized they probably had questions and needed to have that conversation. So on the way home from therapy one night, I let them know that I was open and willing to answer whatever questions they had. And then we sat in silence the rest of the drive. When we pulled into the garage at home, I asked them if they had any questions. One of my daughters quietly asked, “How did dad die?”
We had a heartbreaking, but short conversation in the car before heading inside. That one conversation cracked open the door of communication that had been sealed shut and was the tenuous beginning of being able to talk about their dad.
These conversations are painful and difficult…especially when you are in the midst of grief yourself.
But they are so important because they open the lines of communication and help children feel safe talking about the things they are thinking about and that’s what matters! Rest assured, they have questions. Even if they aren’t asking, they have questions. So open the lines of communication by having the difficult conversation early, and keeping those lines open by truthfully answering the questions they ask, and offering to talk to them whenever they want.
Get them into a grief therapy group with other kids
Children can feel incredibly isolated by their grief. Especially older children and teenagers.
This time in a child’s life is difficult enough under the best of circumstances, but adding the loss of an immediate family member on top of these turbulent years can send a child spiraling into a very dark place and bring out behaviors you never thought possible.
Getting them into a group with other children who are grieving can relieve a lot of anxiety and stress on them because they will be with other children who understand the world they now live in.
This also gives them a safe place to talk about all the stuff going on in their head…which isn’t pretty a lot of the time.
As they share the things they are feeling and their experience of loss, they will have the support of their peers and a professional to guide the conversation and give them strategies to work through their big emotions and the struggles they are dealing with.
Individual therapy is necessary sometimes, but a group setting offers both the support of peers and professional help.
For my family, this was the very best approach. We did individual and family therapy before we found Judy’s house, and for us, there was no comparison, the group setting was the best!
That doesn’t mean it will be the best for your family, or that every group setting is right. If you get into a group setting, some things to look for:
Separate kids by age group and type of loss
Children who have lost someone to cancer and children who have lost someone to suicide are experience two very different types of loss and will have completely different sets of emotions and struggles. Find a group setting where the groups are separated by type of loss to help your children connect with the other children in the group and get the support they need from people who truly understand what they are experiencing.
Have separate groups for parents and children
You want your children to be able to freely share their thoughts and feelings with their peers and a counselor.
It is very common for children to withhold their more difficult emotions and questions from their parents in an effort to protect their parents from suffering more pain.
Allowing them to be in a group of their peers without you provides them with a safe outlet for ALL that they are feeling and thinking.
Provides parent groups separated by type of loss
You need help too! You also need support from other adults who truly understand what you’re going through.
A good therapy facility will teach the parents and the children the same strategies in the same session, from different perspectives. That way, you can talk to your children about what you learned in group that day and you can better understand your children’s grief journey and address their needs in a meaningful way.
This also gives you a safe place to openly feel however you are feeling and to share all that you are going through without the need to censor your thoughts. It can be extraordinarily therapeutic to receive validation from your peers, the same as it is for your children.
I never realized that I needed that until I had it. So if you are holding back from getting into a grief therapy group because you think you are ok on your own, just give it a try! If it’s not for you, that’s fine. But you may discover like I did, that having a group of amazing people in your corner as you face the most difficult challenge you have ever faced, is REALLY helpful…and necessary.
Allow them to grieve in their own way
Everyone grieves differently. Everyone.
Every single person in my family grieves completely differently, but I didn’t know that for a long time.
I have a child who will not speak about their father’s death and has blocked out nearly all memories surrounding it. I have another child who wants to talk about it quite frequently and is still very openly emotional about it.
Those are two very different types of grieving that lived within the same four walls after they lost their dad.
So we made a rule in our house that everyone gets to grieve in their own way and everyone else will respect their right to grieve in their own way and we will love and support them through it.
Is this easy?
Absolutely not!
But it is necessary and it’s healthy.
Some children want to talk obsessively about their loved one…and you may be the opposite of that. My best advice is to let them talk. If you are finding it impossible to create this space for them to talk, seek help from a professional. They can give you strategies and help you create boundaries. They can also help you talk to your child about those boundaries and mediate this very difficult challenge to help you provide your child with what they need while caring for yourself.
Some children regress after a loss. They may no longer be able to sleep alone, they may not want to go to school, or they may be terrified to leave your side.
These are very normal, but very difficult things to work through.
Some of these things will subside with time as your child begins to feel safe and stable once again. But if you are concerned, or see behaviors that are crippling or extreme, seek professional guidance to ensure your child is able to move forward and emotionally heal from the loss.
It may just be their way of grieving, but if you are concerned…that leads to the next strategy.
Seek professional help
You have never walked this path…and chances are no one ever prepared you for it. So seek help from a professional who can help you navigate it.
Don’t expect to be an expert or know how to handle all of the things that come up.
Even if you know other people who have been through something like this, your experience will be different!
Seeking help gives you someone to vent to, ask questions, seek guidance, and provides a mediator to help communicate difficult but important messages to your children.
Have Rules and Be Consistent
When a child loses someone significant to them, their world is abruptly changed.
As a result of this disruption, they will seek out boundaries. This will look like children who do naughty things and break rules, act out at home and/or in public, and do things they would not have done before.
You will be tempted to give them whatever they ask for because you feel bad for them.
Don’t.
They need to have boundaries and rules. This provides them with a sense of security, safety, and stability. When they realize the boundaries and rules are still in place, this helps them return to more consistent behavior more quickly.
Even if the rules and boundaries are different, and everyone may need time to adjust, having this safety net will be beneficial to their long-term emotional health…and yours.
Our life looks very different than it once did. The rules and boundaries changed because the family dynamic changed. A lot of the changes we went through went far beyond losing their dad, but that’s a whole other conversation. But they still had rules and boundaries, much to their dismay.
One night, which happened to be my birthday, upon discovering that a family rule was absolutely going to be enforced, one of my teenagers yelled, “Happy birthday you nazi!” as they slammed their bedroom door.
Would it have been easier to give in, relax the rules, and let the grieving teenager run wild and have their way?
Yes.
But today, that same child thanks me openly for having the rules and boundaries that I had.
She didn’t really want to run wild, even though at that moment she would have fiercely protested against anyone who suggested that. Psychologically, she was testing the boundaries. Everything she knew and loved in life had been ripped away in an instant. She was in an emotional free fall, trying to grasp onto anything that felt normal, safe, or stable.
By standing my ground, and enforcing the rules, I gave her something stable to hold onto. A safety net to stop her fall.
Definitely not easy, but it is essential.
Accept that grief will change your children
Significant loss and trauma permanently change you.
The same is true for your children.
You will miss their innocence and the carefree bubbly personalities that had no worries in the whole world because everything felt stable and safe to them…but they don’t need to know that.
You can share your feelings about how they have changed with your bestie or your therapist.
The only thing your children need to know is that you love them unconditionally and you will remain by their side to help them as they try to navigate this new world.
Show up
Your children are grieving…and chances are so are you.
But that doesn’t mean that you get to check out as a parent.
It is not your children’s job to take care of you. It is not your children’s job to be your therapist. It is not your children’s job to be the parent.
Do your job.
Drag yourself out of bed and show up for your kids. Period.
You are going to fail…more than once. But that doesn’t give you a pass to keep failing.
Your kids need you.
They need you sober, present, and with your head on straight.
There is no second chance to raise your kids, so get the help necessary to give them your very best and show up for them in ways that are meaningful to them.
They have already suffered enough trauma. Don’t add to it by allowing yourself to get so caught up with your own emotions and your own struggles that you cause them secondary trauma by abandoning your responsibilities as their parent.
Give Yourself Grace
There is no such thing as perfect grieving or perfect parents!
Grieving is ugly, and you are going to make mistakes and wish you had done something differently.
That’s perfectly normal.
Do your best, give yourself some grace, and then do better.
Kids are incredibly adaptable and forgiving. If you really messed something up, apologize to them, and let them know you are going to try and do better
Then forgive yourself and work to do better and move forward as a family in search of healing and peace.
This is not an easy journey to take. As you make your way through it, over time, the walk will become more comfortable and you will find your way. Keep going, keep seeking out help, keep trying new things until you find what works for you and your family.
You are not alone! Start putting some of these strategies in place, seek help, and find some company to walk this path with you, to support you, give you guidance, and share the struggle.
xo – Lavena
Resources
A Parent’s Guide to Raising Grieving Children
Helping Children Deal With Grief
10 Ways to Help a Grieving Child
The Highly Unlikely Podcast- Parenting Children Through Grief
